How to Deal with Toxic Parents and Difficult Family Relationships: An Emotional Intelligence Guide
How to Deal with Toxic Parents
Family relationships can be among the most meaningful relationships we experience. They can provide love, security, encouragement and a sense of belonging.
However, family relationships can also become emotionally complicated.
Some children struggle with parents whose behaviour leaves them feeling inadequate, rejected or constantly criticised. Some adults find themselves navigating difficult relationships with in-laws, extended family members and relatives whose actions create tension within their households.
In both situations, the emotional challenge can be considerable.
How do you respond to a parent whose behaviour repeatedly hurts you, especially when you are still a minor and depend on them? How do you manage difficult in-law relationships when your attempts to maintain peace and provide support seem to be met with envy, resentment or conflict?
These situations require more than simply telling people to be patient, communicate better or ignore negative behaviour.
They require emotional intelligence, self-awareness, empathy, healthy boundaries and an understanding of what we can and cannot control.
At Pause Factory, we recognise that emotions influence how people behave, communicate and relate with others. Developing emotional intelligence can help individuals become more intentional about their responses, particularly when navigating difficult interpersonal relationships.
Read More – Tapping Into the Wisdom of Your Children: Parenting with Emotional Intelligence
This article explores two common family challenges and practical ways to approach them.
1. How Can a Minor Deal with Toxic Parents They Still Depend On?
This is a particularly sensitive situation because the individual involved is a minor.
Unlike an independent adult, a minor may depend on their parents for accommodation, food, education, financial support, protection and other basic needs.
Consequently, navigating a difficult relationship with a parent is not simply a matter of walking away or establishing conventional adult boundaries.
There are emotional, practical and safeguarding considerations.
First, what does a toxic parent mean to you?
If I were approaching this situation as a coach and the young person were sitting in front of me, my first question would be:
“What does a toxic parent mean to you?”
This question is important because what Minor A considers toxic may be different from what Minor B considers toxic.
For instance, a young person may describe a parent as toxic because:
- The parent establishes strict curfews.
- The parent monitors their activities and whereabouts.
- They are not allowed to use electronic gadgets whenever they want.
- They have high academic expectations.
- They are expected to perform household chores.
- They have less freedom than their friends.
However, these situations do not automatically constitute toxic parenting.
Parents have responsibilities to establish appropriate boundaries, provide guidance, teach discipline and prepare their children for responsible adulthood.
Age-appropriate household responsibilities, reasonable monitoring, consistent rules and appropriate academic expectations can be part of responsible parenting.
A child may dislike some of these restrictions without necessarily being harmed by them.
This is why we must understand the actual behaviour before concluding that a parent is toxic.
The objective is not to dismiss the child’s feelings. It is to understand the situation accurately.
There is a difference between a child disliking a parent’s decision and a parent consistently engaging in emotionally harmful behaviour.
Both the child’s experience and the parent’s responsibilities deserve consideration.
What does genuinely harmful parental behaviour look like?
While reasonable discipline and parental guidance are important, some behaviours can cause significant emotional harm.
Examples include:
1. Constant criticism and belittling
A parent repeatedly tells a child that they are useless, unintelligent, worthless or incapable of achieving anything.
Instead of correcting a particular behaviour, the parent attacks the child’s identity and self-worth.
2. Constant comparison with other children
A parent continually compares their child with siblings, relatives, classmates or neighbours.
Statements such as “Why can’t you be like your brother?” or “Look at your mates; they are doing better than you” can create feelings of inadequacy when repeatedly used to shame a child.
3. Persistent humiliation and negative labelling
A parent constantly highlights a child’s weaknesses, embarrasses them or describes them using degrading language.
The child may gradually begin to internalise these descriptions.
4. Emotional neglect and lack of support
A parent consistently ignores a child’s emotional needs, shows little interest in their wellbeing or remains emotionally unavailable when the child needs support.
5. Rejection, intimidation and threats
A child is repeatedly made to feel unwanted, unsafe or afraid through threats, hostility or deliberate emotional intimidation.
These behaviours should not be confused with ordinary disagreements or occasional parental frustration.
The frequency, severity, context and impact of the behaviour matter.
Child-protection guidance recognises persistent hostility, rejection, inappropriate threats, belittling and emotional neglect as possible indicators of emotional abuse. (NICE; NSPCC.)
Parents: What if your child thinks you are toxic?
If you are a parent reading this article and your child believes your behaviour is toxic, do not make it your immediate objective to force them to change their opinion.
Instead, create opportunities for communication, reflection and mutual understanding.
You may genuinely believe that you are acting in your child’s best interests. However, your intentions do not automatically determine how your behaviour is experienced.
In emotional intelligence, we often emphasise the importance of understanding the emotional impact of our communication.
One important principle is:
The process is the content.
This means that how you communicate can be just as important as what you communicate.
Consider a parent who tells a child to clean their room.
The technical instruction is straightforward: clean your room.
However, the emotional message may differ depending on how the parent communicates.
Compare these two approaches:
“How many times have I told you to clean this room? Are you completely irresponsible?”
And:
“I would appreciate it if you could tidy your room before dinner. Keeping our environment clean is a responsibility we all share.”
Both parents are communicating an expectation.
However, the emotional experience of receiving the message may be very different.
When communicating with children, parents should recognise two dimensions:
A. The technical message
This is the instruction, correction, expectation or information being communicated.
B. The emotional message
This is what the child experiences through the parent’s tone, choice of words, facial expression, attention and overall communication style.
A child may eventually forget a particular instruction about household chores. However, repeated experiences of humiliation, rejection or hostility can leave lasting emotional impressions.
This is why parents must be intentional about how they communicate.
Practical recommendations include:
- Remove unnecessary ambiguity from your communication.
- Explain the reasons behind important rules.
- Listen before reaching conclusions.
- Show empathy even when correcting unacceptable behaviour.
- Provide age-appropriate choices.
- Model the behaviour you expect from your children.
- Create opportunities for open dialogue.
- Correct behaviour without attacking the child’s identity.
- Acknowledge mistakes and apologise when necessary.
You cannot demand emotional maturity from a child while consistently modelling behaviour that undermines emotional safety.
Parenting is not simply about getting children to obey. It is also about helping them develop the emotional and behavioural competencies required for adulthood.
Read More – The Importance of Emotional Intelligence in Everyday Life
2. What Should a Minor Do When Experiencing Genuinely Harmful Parenting?
Now let us consider the other side of the situation.
What happens when a young person is genuinely experiencing persistent emotional abuse, neglect, intimidation or other harmful behaviour from a parent?
The situation becomes more complicated because the child may still depend on that parent.
The first step is to recognise the reality of the situation without placing unnecessary responsibility on the child.
Step 1: Understand your circumstances and limitations
If you are a minor experiencing harmful parental behaviour, recognise several important realities:
- You are still developing emotionally and psychologically.
- You may depend on your parents for your basic needs.
- You may not have the financial resources to live independently.
- You may have limited control over your living arrangements.
- Your circumstances may require support from responsible adults and child-protection professionals.
Understanding these limitations is not an admission of weakness.
It is a realistic assessment of your situation.
You should not be expected to resolve serious family problems independently or take responsibility for changing an abusive parent’s behaviour.
You are not responsible for making an adult behave appropriately.
Step 2: Seek safe communication where possible
If the situation is not dangerous and you believe your parent may listen, consider communicating your feelings respectfully.
For example:
“When you compare me with other children, I feel discouraged. I understand that you want me to improve, but I would appreciate it if you could explain what you expect without comparing me with other people.”
Or:
“I understand that you want me to do better academically. I am trying, but I sometimes feel overwhelmed. Can we discuss how I can improve?”
The objective is to communicate the emotional impact of the behaviour rather than simply exchange accusations.
However, this approach is conditional.
If speaking openly could expose you to further harm, threats or punishment, do not force a confrontation. Speak with a trusted adult or appropriate professional first.
Step 3: Identify safe spaces and healthy boundaries
A minor may not have the independence to establish the same boundaries available to an adult.
Nevertheless, there may be appropriate ways to create healthy emotional and physical space.
For example:
- Spend time participating in safe school activities.
- Engage in supervised extracurricular activities.
- Use appropriate study time for quiet reflection.
- Participate in sports, educational programmes or other constructive activities.
- Maintain healthy relationships with trusted friends and responsible adults.
- Avoid unnecessary arguments when a disagreement is becoming unproductive.
These activities can provide opportunities for development and emotional breathing space.
However, there is an important distinction between seeking healthy activities and deliberately isolating yourself or putting yourself in unsafe situations to avoid a parent.
Do not undertake risky errands, leave home without a safe arrangement or put yourself in danger to escape an uncomfortable interaction.
Your safety comes first.
Step 4: Develop healthy emotional coping mechanisms
Repeated exposure to hurtful experiences can be emotionally exhausting.
Developing healthy coping mechanisms can help you manage difficult feelings.
Some useful approaches include:
Listening to uplifting content
Music, religious sermons, educational programmes and positive messages may help you regain perspective after a difficult experience.
Choose content that encourages hope, healthy thinking and constructive behaviour.
Physical exercise
Walking, running, dancing, playing football or participating in other appropriate physical activities can help release tension and support general wellbeing.
Journaling
Writing down your experiences can help you identify recurring emotional triggers, recognise your feelings and communicate your concerns more clearly when seeking help.
If keeping a journal could put you at risk because someone may discover it and retaliate, consider another safe method of reflection.
Practising self-awareness
Learn to recognise what you feel, what triggered the emotion and how you would prefer to respond.
You may not control what another person says, but you can gradually develop healthier ways of understanding and responding to your emotions.
These coping strategies are supportive measures. They do not replace protection from abuse.
Step 5: Maintain hope and work towards a positive future
When a difficult situation appears unlikely to change immediately, it can help to maintain meaningful personal goals.
You might focus on:
- Completing your education.
- Developing valuable skills.
- Building healthy friendships.
- Participating in constructive activities.
- Developing financial literacy.
- Preparing for greater independence as you grow older.
Having something positive to work towards can provide direction and motivation.
However, your future should not be the only reason you seek help.
You deserve safety, care and appropriate support now, not only when you become an adult.
Step 6: Seek support from trusted adults
This is one of the most important recommendations.
If you are experiencing persistent emotional abuse, neglect, physical harm, threats or other forms of mistreatment, speak to a responsible adult who can help protect you.
This could be:
- A school counsellor.
- A trusted teacher.
- A relative who takes your safety seriously.
- A responsible religious leader.
- A qualified child-protection professional.
- A social worker.
- Another trusted adult who can help you access appropriate services.
If one person dismisses your concerns, consider approaching another appropriate adult.
You do not have to handle the situation alone.
If you are in immediate danger, move towards a safe place and contact emergency services or an appropriate child-protection authority.
For readers in Lagos, the following resources may be useful:
- Cece Yara Child Advocacy Centre: 0800 800 8001. This is a free child helpline available to children in Nigeria.
- Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Agency: 0800 033 3333.
- Lagos State emergency services: 112.
These are support and referral options, not substitutes for immediate emergency intervention where required.
The important message is that a child experiencing abuse deserves protection, not simply advice on how to tolerate the behaviour.
Mother and teenager navigating a difficult family relationship
3. How Do You Manage In-Laws Who Appear Envious of Your Progress?
Let us now consider a different but equally challenging family situation.
Imagine that you have consistently supported your in-laws, contributed to their welfare and maintained relationships with them.
However, you begin to notice behaviour that you interpret as envy, resentment, hostility or conspiracy against you.
You become uncomfortable with the relationship and eventually decide to distance yourself and your immediate family.
You still call occasionally to maintain some communication, but you no longer engage with them as frequently as before.
How should you manage this situation?
The first consideration is to understand what you can realistically control.
Recognise what is within your control
In managing relationships, we must recognise that we cannot directly control another person’s thoughts, feelings, interpretations or behaviour.
We can, however, make adjustments to our own responses and determine the boundaries we need.
If you have already reduced the frequency of interaction and this arrangement is protecting your emotional wellbeing, it may be a reasonable approach.
You are not necessarily required to maintain the same level of closeness with every family member.
However, there are important questions worth considering:
- Is the distance helping to reduce unnecessary conflict?
- Is it affecting your marriage or immediate family negatively?
- Are there unresolved issues that require a conversation?
- Are you maintaining distance for emotional protection or simply out of resentment?
- Does the current arrangement reflect the kind of relationship you genuinely want?
These questions help you evaluate whether your current approach is working.
Approach 1: Maintain respectful distance
Sometimes, maintaining a degree of distance is the most practical way to manage a difficult relationship.
This does not necessarily mean hatred, hostility or permanent separation.
It may simply mean:
- Reducing unnecessary visits.
- Limiting conversations that repeatedly become unpleasant.
- Avoiding unnecessary financial or personal entanglements.
- Maintaining occasional communication.
- Being respectful without forcing intimacy.
- Protecting your immediate family’s emotional wellbeing.
The important thing is to make the arrangement intentional rather than allowing every interaction to become a source of anxiety.
Distance can be a boundary, not necessarily a declaration of war.
Approach 2: Focus on constructive interactions
Another option is to maintain some contact while becoming more deliberate about the subjects and situations you engage with.
For example, you may choose to focus on family updates, genuine celebrations, important occasions and conversations that can be conducted respectfully.
You do not have to participate in every argument or respond to every provocative statement.
However, this approach requires discernment.
Ignoring every negative behaviour is not necessarily healthy, especially where there is manipulation, harassment, financial exploitation or a genuine threat to your household.
You can choose not to engage in unnecessary conflict without pretending that harmful behaviour does not exist.
Approach 3: Establish clear family boundaries
Healthy boundaries help people understand what they can reasonably expect from one another.
For example:
- Decide how frequently visits will take place.
- Establish boundaries around financial requests.
- Avoid discussing confidential marital matters with people who misuse such information.
- Agree with your spouse on how extended-family issues will be handled.
- Disengage from conversations that become insulting or abusive.
It is particularly important for spouses to communicate and agree on these boundaries.
Extended-family disagreements can become more damaging when spouses have different expectations or feel that they are competing for loyalty.
The objective should be to protect the marriage and immediate family without creating unnecessary hostility.
Approach 4: Examine your own emotional responses
This is where emotional intelligence becomes especially valuable.
When someone behaves in a way you interpret as envy, hostility or resentment, consider examining your own emotional response.
Ask yourself:
- What exactly happened?
- What did the person say or do?
- What interpretation have I attached to the behaviour?
- What evidence supports my interpretation?
- Is this an isolated incident or a recurring pattern?
- What response would protect my wellbeing without escalating the situation?
This is not about blaming yourself for another person’s behaviour.
It is about ensuring that your decisions are based on a clear understanding of the situation rather than assumptions or emotional reactions alone.
If the behaviour is genuinely harmful, you can establish appropriate boundaries without needing to convince the other person to agree with your interpretation.
Approach 5: Allow time to reveal what needs to change
Not every difficult relationship requires an immediate permanent decision.
Sometimes, maintaining reasonable boundaries and observing how the relationship develops over time is sufficient.
People may change. Circumstances may change. Your own priorities may also evolve.
You can remain open to healthier interactions without exposing yourself repeatedly to behaviour that undermines your emotional wellbeing.
The objective is not to win a competition with your in-laws.
It is to maintain your peace, protect your immediate family and make decisions that reflect your values.
Read More – Unlocking the Key to Child Happiness and Success: The Power of Emotional Intelligence
4. The Importance of Inner Peace and Self-Acceptance
Whether you are navigating a difficult relationship with your parents, managing in-law conflicts or dealing with expectations from extended family members, one important consideration remains:
How do you maintain a healthy relationship with yourself?
Family conflict can sometimes make people question their identity, value, confidence and sense of belonging.
Repeated criticism can make you doubt yourself. Unhealthy comparison can make you feel inadequate. Conflict with relatives can leave you emotionally exhausted.
This is why self-awareness and self-acceptance matter.
Everyone deserves to develop a healthy relationship with themselves.
You deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin without allowing every negative opinion to determine how you see yourself.
This does not mean ignoring constructive criticism or refusing to acknowledge personal weaknesses.
It means recognising that you can improve without constantly condemning yourself.
Consider the following affirmations as a personal reflection exercise.
Affirmations for inner peace and self-acceptance
- I am at peace with myself and my journey.
- My mind is becoming clearer, more focused and more serene.
- I release unnecessary noise about my identity and embrace self-acceptance.
- I recognise my strengths while remaining open to growth.
- I am resilient, capable and continually developing.
- I deserve healthy relationships built on respect and understanding.
- I am worthy of love, dignity and appropriate support.
- I will not allow another person’s behaviour to define my entire identity.
- I can establish healthy boundaries without losing my capacity for compassion.
- I am intentional about the person I am becoming.
These affirmations are not substitutes for practical action.
Rather, they are reminders that your identity and personal worth should not be entirely dependent on how other people treat you.
Read More – How to Set Your Kids up For Success
5. How Emotional Intelligence Helps Us Navigate Difficult Family Relationships
The situations discussed in this article may appear different, but they share an important connection: they require us to understand emotions, recognise behavioural patterns and make deliberate decisions about our responses.
This is where emotional intelligence becomes relevant.
The Six Seconds Emotional Intelligence Model, which underpins Pause Factory’s emotional intelligence development approach, provides a useful framework through three interconnected pursuits:
Know Yourself. Choose Yourself. Give Yourself.
Know Yourself
This involves developing awareness of your emotions, thoughts, reactions and behavioural patterns.
In difficult family relationships, ask yourself:
- What am I feeling?
- What situations trigger these feelings?
- What assumptions am I making?
- What personal needs are not being met?
- What patterns do I repeatedly notice?
You cannot make intentional decisions about emotional situations if you do not first recognise what is happening within you.
Choose Yourself
This involves becoming more intentional about your responses.
Instead of reacting automatically to every provocation, pause and consider the options available to you.
You may decide to communicate, establish a boundary, seek support, disengage from an argument or approach the situation differently.
Choosing yourself does not mean becoming selfish or disregarding other people’s feelings.
It means taking responsibility for your decisions while recognising your emotional needs and personal values.
Give Yourself
This involves connecting your actions with a meaningful purpose.
Ask yourself:
- What kind of family member do I want to be?
- What kind of parent do I want to become?
- What values should guide my relationships?
- How can I contribute positively without sacrificing my wellbeing?
- What kind of emotional environment do I want to create for my children?
A meaningful purpose can help you move beyond simply reacting to difficult people and begin building relationships that reflect your values.
It also reminds us that emotional intelligence is not only about managing difficult emotions. It is about using emotional information to make better decisions and build healthier relationships.
Conclusion: You Cannot Control Everyone, But You Can Become More Intentional About Your Responses
Family relationships can be complicated.
Some parents genuinely want the best for their children but struggle with how they communicate their expectations.
Some children interpret reasonable parental boundaries as restrictions, while others experience persistent criticism, rejection, neglect or abuse.
Some adults maintain difficult relationships with in-laws and extended family members despite repeated attempts to create harmony.
These situations require careful consideration rather than one-size-fits-all advice.
For parents, the responsibility is to provide guidance while ensuring that their communication does not consistently undermine their children’s emotional wellbeing.
For minors experiencing harmful parental behaviour, the priority is safety, support and access to responsible adults who can help. They should not be expected to manage abuse independently.
For adults navigating difficult extended-family relationships, emotional intelligence can help them examine their assumptions, establish appropriate boundaries and decide how much engagement is healthy.
Above all, remember that emotional intelligence is not about tolerating every behaviour, avoiding difficult conversations or pretending that everything is fine.
It is about becoming more aware of what is happening, understanding the emotions involved and choosing responses that support healthier outcomes.
You may not be able to control how everyone treats you, but you can become more intentional about the relationships you nurture, the boundaries you establish and the person you choose to become.
At Pause Factory, we believe that developing emotional intelligence is an important part of building healthier relationships, strengthening personal effectiveness and improving how people navigate life’s challenges.
Through emotional intelligence development, coaching and learning experiences, individuals can build greater self-awareness, improve their emotional responses and become more intentional in their interactions with others.
Because ultimately, emotions drive people, and people drive performance.
