Author: Enahoro Okhae, Simeon's Pivot Resources


In one of my Emotional Intelligence class, one of my participants explained how his sexual life with his wife has deteriorated. He said when they were in school their sexual life was very active but now that they are married his wife hardly wants to have sex, and even if she did she would just lie there like a piece of wood. He said it’s affecting him at work, and he cannot concentrate, his emotions are not together and their marriage has become sour. He lamented about the sad environment he now lives in with the same lady that was once vibrant and very sexy, he explained how the same woman that use to give him joy now brings sorrow, he said his wife deceived him and pretended to be sexually active while the fact is that she is not. He wanted help since he was in my Emotional intelligence Class.

In my response I started by telling him that if his wife has once been sexually active, I am sure that she still has that personality on her inside. I explained to him that two things can change a young woman’s sexual activeness, it’s either there is change in her anatomy maybe as a result of child birth or change in her emotions.

Emotions e.g. excitement, anger, joy, sadness or arousal for sex which is a secondary form of Love are always a response or reaction to someone’s behavior or an event or situation; always. Your feeling per time is as a result of your response or reaction to someone else’s behavior or a situation. (Except you are highly emotionally intelligent; a case where you create your thoughts and feelings irrespective of your environment). So for my participant, the lack of arousal for sexual desire in his wife is either because she is responding or reacting to someone’s behavior and that person is my participant being the husband or she is responding or reacting to other event or situation in her life.

I had the responsibility to help him, after all he paid for the training, so I took him back memory lane to the times where their relationship was very smooth, those pre-marital days where his then girl-friend use to be sexually active and asked him key questions about those days. He told me how they use to tell each other sweet things, how he always sent her sexy messages, passionate hugs that followed every greeting and a whole lot of lovely stuffs that I wouldn’t want to bore you with. Then I asked him which of those things he continued after marriage; hmmmmm, my participants started realizing what has happened, he had stopped doing those things that elicited the sexual activeness of his wife, he had stopped saying and doing things that usually aroused his wife, he unconsciously felt that with marriage he did not need to arouse her thinking sex will just flow, and unconsciously felt sex is now his right so he doesn’t need to “work” for it; he did not stop them intentionally but he unconsciously gradually stopped them after they got married.

He accepted after the analysis that he unknowingly caused the sadness in his marriage and he promised to change, in fact right there he sent his wife an apology and romantic text, he promised to call me and keep me posted, he was so happy and so I was. Though I warned him that the result might not be immediate since his wife did not come for Emotional Intelligence class, he must maintain his resolve no matter the response or reaction from his wife.

Friends, the truth is, it’s always about YOU, how you feel and how smooth your relationship is with other people is always determined by YOU, there is always an emotional ball in your court, how you play it defines how you feel and also determines the flow of your relationship with others, whether at work or at home or in any gathering. The other person has his or her own emotional ball to play, but it’s you I am talking to now. My advice; play it intentionally by choosing the thoughts and emotions that will help relationships and keep your emotions guarded, Don’t play it like millions of other people who simply follow “ Impulse” not thinking before they react to situations and people..

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January 24, 2017


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